100 days of steady celebrations
I must be insane.
I feel insane
I began this plight because I didn’t know what else to do with myself.
It was literally either this or medication.
I’m not anti medication and I have 0 judgement about people who take meds.
I just felt, for a very long time, that I was supposed to feel the way I feel.
You can’t, and shouldn’t, lose your sister and just drug the experience away. I had to face it. I chose to feel every inch of the agony. And I did.
But it was getting to a point, undoubtedly escalated by my father-in-law Melvin’s terminal diagnosis, that I didn’t know how I could possibly continue without some help from above or beyond.
And I chose, rather than pharm-ing my way out, to torture myself even further, by ‘celebrating’ my way out.
I can’t say for sure if it’s working or not.
All I know is that I’m still here, and that has to stand for something.
I’ve managed to celebrated through day long air travel days, weekend long workshops and funerals. I’ve celebrated with strangers and friends, alone and with my dog. I’ve baked more and cooked more than I ever have before.
I’ve written. I’ve written and written and written.
Pretty much everyday or bulk writing to catch up every couple days.
People have even told me I’m good at it.
I’ve rekindled the flames of my love for photography. Art school photography was so focused on film development and technicalities of printing, I felt robbed of the potential fun. Going digital has enabled me to really experiment with composition and staging. I absolutely love it… except when I have 500 other things to do, which is oft.
Day 100 of Celebrating Everyday… Literally landed on National Siblings Day
I did the math and it’s 921 days since I lost Sarah. The world lost Sarah. I haven’t stopped wishing for a second that it wasn’t so.
I spent the day going through the few things I have left of her
…a note from her student
..the stub from last movie we ever saw together
…her fertility mug that worked all too well
…a grocery list left in a purse I inherited
…origami t-rex Christmas ornament she gave me
…her contact lenses in case she comes back so she can see
..her ashes that I keep in a Matryoshka doll
old photos… cuz there sure as fuck aren’t any ‘new’ photos…
All in all a painful milestone
Happy Sibling’s Day, everyone else!
Tomorrow – National Pet Day